The Darkness

The_Darkness_posterThe Darkness (2016) – 1/10

Oh Kevin Bacon.  I really do think you are a competent actor. Why do you make such bad acting choices?

Anyway.  Watch out for the anasazi Indian spirits, especially if you take their rocks.  You know, the rocks with the carvings in them that you found in the cave?  You might get dirty handprints on your wall or your face or your bed covers.  The water faucets may mysteriously turn on.  Or the neighbour’s dog may get really angry at your teenage daughter.

Don’t try burning the wall in your bedroom where the inter-dimensional portal is growing.  (I think they like that.)  If you do set the wall on fire, just leave it all burnt and bubbly after the flame is doused.  Move back into your room and stare at the wall some more.

But at least it brought the family back together.  Cheatin’ Kevin saw the error of his ways and rescued his autistic son from an uncertain future with the evil spirits.  The ones with the masks and long fingernails.  Another plus is that they fixed the burnt wall on their way out.

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Don’t Breathe

imgresDon’t Breathe (2016) – 0/10

I don’t like the main characters, ok so they have a hard life but they steal from others and they intend to rob a blind man. The story takes a really stupid turn when we find the girl that the blind man is holding hostage. The walls are covered with mattresses and she is tied up in a really strange way.  Oh! I get it now.  She’s tied up like that so the blind man can use the turkey baster more efficiently.  Who wrote this plot?  How f’ing ridiculous – misogynistic scumbags.  Don’t waste your time is a better title.

The Conjuring 2

conjuring_2The Conjuring 2 (2016) – 7/10

James Wan knows what scares you.

Darker than dark corners; moldy, chipping paint and decaying armchair; flooded basement; creaky stairs; dingy walls – this is public housing.  Does that mean the family isn’t supposed to clean it or report maintenance issues?

Are they just asking for a supernatural visitation of the most evil kind? Or is their fate aligned with the demon – they are all vulnerable and isolated.  There is the obligatory child sized tent – a portal for the demon to harass the nerves.

Imagery is muted colours and decrepit surroundings – perfect place for co-habitation – demon and human.   The crooked man. Tension builds to an almost unbearable level- ‘don’t go down there alone!’

Warrens – nice to see their relationship develop a bit more.  They are really driven and brave.  Strengths – ability, trust, determination, love, fatalistic.

The Pack (La meute)

la_meuteThe Pack (2010) – 3/10

French horror flick.  Creepy, muted atmospheric setting. Torturously confronting.

Things looked particularly dire when our heroine was captured, caged, branded and force fed a dark liquid (me thinks the primary element was human blood).  Maybe even her own blood because as she was imbibing, she was also giving blood.

See, this crazy mother and son duo evidently lure unsuspecting drifters to their desolate, decrepit ‘truck stop’ in the French countryside.  These doofus drifters just can’t stay away and end up as bait for a ‘pack’ of mutant, zombie miners.  Some of whom are the sons of the crazy mother.  The zombie miners live under the ground and come out when blood is spilled.  Oh, and I guess they might be stronger when it’s a full moon.

Anyway, half way through the movie our poor heroine is hung over the zombie ground and bled.  Apparently the rest of the movie is her dream of escape or acceptance or just trauma induced brain ramblings.   She doesn’t get away, she never had a chance.  Damn.

Only Lovers Left Alive

Only_Lovers_Left_Alive_English_film_posterOnly Lovers Left Alive (2013) – 7/10

Tilda Swinton, Tom Hiddleston and Jim Jarmusch.

Cool, moody, reflective. Eve (Swinton) and Adam (Hiddleston) – a vampire couple are together for centuries. Immortality, however, is not without difficulties. Their undying love is the strength to consider time without end.

Scenes of the lovers together are breathtaking; the glowing light of Eve contrasts the dark, brooding Adam.

The languid aesthetes ponder music and literature.  Their one true companion succumbs to tainted blood, a sign of the times.  Eve’s sister injects an unwanted frenzy, compelling the pair to run.  A chance encounter draws the couple and renews their primal drive.  Alive in love.

Great sound track.